Monthly Archives: December 2014
The Aftermath of Sexual Abuse
The scars will remain inevitably
To test our mind
To rip out our heart
To take us far away from our once normal life
The holes in our memory cause agonizing pain
Our puzzle has lost some of its pieces
The computer chip in our brain has gone corrupt
Searching for data unfound
Someone has altered the files… Abuse
Abuse inflicts wounds that heal over time
They changed them
They rearranged them
They erased them
They misplace them
They took what was ours
We install new files
We learn how they run
We try and restore what is left
but the passwords keep getting denied
These files are empty, just like our memory
Sexual Abuse was the crime
It stole our innocence
It murdered us
Our candles were blown out before their time
There’s no getting up
There’s no fighting back
There are no answers
Things will never be the same
Life after abuse just loses its zest
It rains a lot more
The sun doesn’t shine as much
We laugh on the outside and cry on the inside
Always trying to hide our scars
The pain will always remain
To haunt us
in sickness and in health
To attack us
in good times and in bad
To torture us
till death do us part
For all the days of our life
-R. S. Ivany
Who are you?
Who are you?
Life experiences have molded us into who we are and how we look at life. Life events begin working their magic as a young child and continue to sculpt you into the person that occupies your skin today. It does different things to different people. It depends on the circumstances and perceptions of what you have endured over your lifetime. Your attitude and emotions are a result of the complexities along the way. These life experiences paint a picture of your journey and eventually etch these memories into the crevices of your brain. Finally the synapse fires and bang, we “react” to our life by the trail of experience that has influenced our way.
Who are we?
The Thinker: This person internalizes ever thought or situation before yielding an explanation. They take a moment to examine the past and figure out why things happened the way they did. Then they adapt to the adversities and move on to find more situations to analyze. They need to know why and won’t stop till they find the answers. They need their space to put the puzzle together. Most of the time the thinker is able to clearly deal with a situation as long as there is ample time to sift thru the rubble.
The Quiet Person: They listen. They absorb the past like a sponge and file it away for future reference. They react to the world and blend into the colors of the universe. They exist but go unnoticed. They are a reflection of their past and remain silent to whatever good or bad situations that existed.
The Loud, Obnoxious Person: They need to be heard. They were stifled along their path. They find it necessary to be the center of the universe. Their thoughts flow freely from their brain. They have no filter. They have bottled up energy that needs to be release or they will erupt like Mount Vesuvius. There’s no way of silencing their noise.
The Nasty, Hateful Person: They are bitter from the past. Life has beaten them down and made them tough. Their thick exterior is a shell that they wear to protect themselves from future pain. They have been hurt along their journey. It may be mental or physical, but their bitterness is just a façade to hide their pain.
The Happy Go Lucky Person: The lucky one. Happy go lucky people have had the best past experiences and show the world that life was good to them. They try and share the wealth and treasures of their past but the others don’t know how to interpret their personality or good will.
The Loner: They feel different than the people they surround themselves with. They feel like they don’t fit in. They hide their pain and pretend they like to be alone. Their past haunts them and they don’t know how to express the feelings that swirl around in their brain. They are lonely individuals hidden in the scars of their past.
The Melancholy Person: The sad person who wears their feelings on their sleeve. They have been traumatized in their past. They are stuck in its tangled web. Their past drowns them and pulls them into the blackness of their own mind. They are stuck in a storm of darkness. Their past has trapped them in their own despair and torment.
The Untrusting Person: They question you. They constantly think that everyone has an ulterior motive. They constantly look over your shoulder. Their past has severely burned them and they trust no one, not even their family. They constantly juggle the trust issue. If trust is broken it’s nearly impossible to put the pieces back together again. They remain a prisoner of their past and destroy all hopes of a trusting future.
The Innocent Child At Heart: A perfect blend of innocence and childhood all wrapped up into one. They see the world from the eyes of a child that has grown up in a perfect world where harm and evil forces have kept their distance. They see the good in the world. They remain angelic and innocent in a world filled with terror and pain. Their past has protected them from seeing what the real world can be like. To remain a child at heart requires the use of rose-colored glasses.
The Romantic: A “fairytale” youth usually makes one a romantic at heart. They believe that love conquers all and all is conquered by love. They grew up in a perfect family and had loving and nurturing parents to help them thrive. They wish for a life filled with nothing less than what they experienced as a child.
The Martyr: They have a deep seeded need to be the victim. They inflect persecution upon themselves for their own cause or ideas. They want you to feel sorry for them. They are deep thinkers and struggle with the martyr complex. A martyr endures a plethora of suffering and does so to get others to understand his mission. Martyrs may be attention seekers but most have endured a number of painful issues in their past.
Experiences and years of interpretation of those experiences have made us who we are today. We blend in and out of different characters while playing the game of life.
Who are you?
Words cut deeper than a knife…
Words cut deeper than a knife…
The sharpest knife is no match to how words can mutilate a soul. I’ve lived my entire life with a family of silver tongues. I’m also guilty for not breaking the cycle that continues to bind my family’s fiber. Words like lethal weapons fire out without a thought. The pain cuts deep but we no longer flinch. We use our own words to cripple the recipient with our frustration and anger. The cycle continues. The sharp tongues of my family grow more lethal as time passes on.
I recognize it. I hate it. I can’t seem change the culture. I’ve tried to talk about it, but we don’t talk we sweep things under the carpet. We are not only silver-tongued wizards, but also master sweepers. One generation teaches the next to be more astute in our skills. Our mastery has exceeded its limits. How do I stop the madness?
How can I have a 27 year old son?
How can I have a 27 year old son?
My eldest son is twenty-seven years old tonight. I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. The day began as any other workday. I got myself out of my waterbed and as usual I stared in disbelief at the size of my overgrown uterus.
I was close to my due date but I wasn’t getting my hopes up that today may be the day. I had no idea if it was a boy or a girl and only knew how very much I loved that little person that had been occupying a space in my body for the last 39 weeks.
After rolling out of bed, I walked out of my room and down the hallway and stopped short of the bathroom when I felt a little trickle of “water” on my underwear. I was mortified that I had not made it to the bathroom. I thought I peed my pants. I rushed in, sat down and took my first morning pee. Nothing out of the ordinary, I thought to myself. I took off my clothes and was getting ready to jump into the shower when my phone rang. I ran naked down the hall to my bedroom and answered the phone. My Mom wanted to know how I was feeling. I told her I was fine and was just going to take a shower and go to work. That’s when it all began. I was midsentence when I heard a little pop and my water broke. It wasn’t what I expected but it startled me and I began to cry. I looked down at the floor and though, “Oh no I have to do this today”. My Mom told me to call the doctor, so I did. Off to the hospital I went, but not before I showered and shaved my legs.
I was petrified to deliver this baby, but I knew there wasn’t any alternative to this situation. I was going to have a baby. I was overwhelming yet so exciting. That’s how it all began on the first day of December 1987. My life changed from that day forward.
Tommy was born by a C-section after a very long day of labor. I pushed for over two and a half hours. His heart rate decelerated and they wisped me off to the OR to get him out. I gave it the old college try. I was bound and determined to make it happen so I continued to push all the way to the operating room and was still pushing until they knocked me out cold. I woke up to a beautiful baby boy.
He changed my life that day. He paved the way for his brother and sister. He taught me how to love unconditionally. He taught me how to trust my instincts. He taught me how protect him. He taught me the real meaning of love. He taught me how to be his teacher. He taught me how to be his nurse. Most importantly he taught me how to be a Mom.
I was putty in his hand from the moment I first saw him. He made me the person I am today. I miss my little boy.
Letting go of the past…
Letting go of the past…
I took a little sabbatical from my writing over the last week or so. I guess I never let my blogger friends know that my cardiac MRI showed no constriction. Thank God. Hence the sabbatical. It was a time to celebrate and enjoy my family and friends. However, I did miss blogging but let’s keep that dirty little secret to ourselves.
With Christmas fast approaching, I always find the need to reflect on my life. As I reflect on the past I see my flaws and shortcomings illuminating brightly like a string of Christmas lights. They seem to go on forever and they tangle so easily around one another. I always seem to find a way to forget about my string of “good quality” lights and focus on those brightly “flawed moments” that light up my past.
I’m going to change it up a bit this year. I’m going to take a moment to look at the lights in a different way. I’m going to try my damnedest to focus on the “nice list” instead of the “naughty list”. I’m going to let the ugly past mistakes and failures take a backseat to the bright set of LED lights that define the real me.
I’ll always keep the old ugly lights on the tree just to reminder me of who I don’t want to be.
I’ll dim them slightly and let the LED lights lead the way. Now maybe I won’t have to work so hard to see the good that shines in me.
Robin S. Ivany 